Honorable Mention: Lenin's Grave
As you may well know, the ongoing threat of Communism in our country for the past fifty-plus years has been one that has lately gone less noticed than in times past. Although it may seem less important than other national matters as it receives less attention from the media, I assure you it is still a prevalent threat to the very fiber of our society.
Over the past few months, Fathers Against Communist Threats (FACT) has compiled a list of the Top Ten Communist Plots infiltrating our country. The list is presented here for your education. Some of these you may have already suspected, others you might have looked on with a friendly, even encouraging eye. My only hope is that the truth of these abominable lies will be revealed to America that we might irradicate once and for all the viscous threat to our society, and that our children will continue to live in freedom for all their lives.
James P. Comswatter
10 At number ten is the pervading threat that many have suspected long before the compiling of this list; namely, caviar. This product comes almost exclusively from Russia and Eastern Europe, long the stronghold of socialism. The money given to companies for their product goes almost directly to the government and communist associations which then may use the money for whatever other plots they may have up their sleeve. For being a source of income and the backbone of many other socialist threats to America, caviar comes in as number TEN for the Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
9 A common cleaning product used throughout our country is also highly toxic, and often comes with a top that can easily be unscrewed by young children. Bleach is not only deadly when ingested, but produces fumes that can easily overwhelm more sensitive women. As our wives clean our homes daily, fulfilling their wifely duties and tending a loving home for our family, they are under attack from the possibly carcinogenious cleaning product, encouraged though less commonly used by the Russians. A coincidence? We think not. For damaging the health of our mothers and wives, bleach comes in at NINE in the Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
8 While our wives and mothers toil away at home for our happiness, many of the men in our great country work in an office to provide for their family. There we may find our next threat. Pencils have long been a source of grief and embarrassment to the scientists and officials of NASA due to the malicious jealousy of the communists. When the good men working at NASA in years past spent hours, days, weeks, months, trying to advance our society’s technology with a pen that could write in zero-gravity conditions, they announced to the Russians that they were come close to their goal. Without a word, the Russians handed them a pencil. For humiliating some of the finest men in science, the pencil comes in at number EIGHT in our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
7 A problem well covered by the media today is that of obesity and it’s connection to fast food. As you may well know, most commonly these fast food vendors will sell burgers, an Eastern European invention. They are loaded with fat and calories, increasing chances of severe heart disease and cardiac arrest. This threat is not only encouraged by Russians with their habit of gorging and jumping into ice water, but not actually widely practised by them. It gradually weakens the American population, posing as an “All American” food and wrecking the health and stability of our young. For deteriorating our health and families, fast food comes in at number SEVEN in our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
6 One widespread detractor is only made more dangerous to our society because of it’s popularity. The Beatles are not only un-American, but their music has long encouraged the loosening of our youth’s morals. Their wild music with it’s cryptic messages can easily be seen as a threat to the safety of our children and college students. Not only have they loosened the morals of our young, but some follow and promote Eastern Religion that allows for drug use and can be seen to encourage radical thought against our country’s government. Also under this category comes “Hippies” that have undermined traditional values, and Harvard, for their involvement with certain “experiments” in the past. For the loosening of our youth’s morals and spreading of Eastern Doctrines, The Beatles come in at number SIX on our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
5 As aptly pointed out in the 1965 film Dr. Strangelove, the use of fluoride in our water sources came about in 1945. This chemical is dangerous to ingest, yet it is put in our water supplies--along with chlorine (see nine)--for us to wash with and drink. The fact that this came about in 1945 makes it all the more suspect. For endangering our precious bodily fluids, flouridated water comes in at number FIVE on our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
4 A close and worrisome threat is number four. When you go out camping, a summer-time tradition beloved by many American families, you may well choose to go out hiking. Or perhaps you go hunting with your father and sons every year. Eventually, nearly all Americans come to use that trusty tool, the compass. But how much should you trust it? As many know already, the magnetic North Pole is actually in northern Canada. And as you probably know already, Canada has socialized Medicine. So if you were to hike due north as your compass tells you, eventually you would be in Canada. And should you find yourself hurt, you would naturally seek medical aid. But that doctor would be part of a socialist plot to undermine our Neighbours to the North, and through them us. The close association between hunting and camping and the medical field is not to be ignored. For weakening the resistance of Canadians, campers and hunters by making them partake in socialism and for warping our associations with innocent summer fun to those of socialism, the Canadian Magnetic North Pole comes in at number FOUR in our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
3 Another beloved seasonal tradition is the Coca Cola ad campaign featuring Santa Claus and Polar bears. However, what may seem like innocent, All-American holiday fun is actually one of the most twisted plots of the Commies yet. As you may already know, Santa is traditionally reported to be from “The North Pole.” But as we’ve just mentioned, the North Pole is actually in Canada and closely associated with socialism. Not just that, but the tradition of Santa has come to us from Eastern Europe, a stronghold of Communism for years. The pervading images of Santa coming into American households can easily be seen then as an allegory of the triumph of Socialism over the American home. It targets the young and nostalgic, filling their heads with it’s images of communist rule and being aired or displayed so often as to be impossible to forget. For the attempt at brainwashing our families with communist propaganda, the Coca Cola Santa ads come in at number THREE on our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
2 In his 1950s essay How to Say Nothing in Five Hundred Words, Paul Roberts suggests lightly what we now recognise to be a dangerous truth: that a sport held high in our esteem, played on our finest university campuses, and part of many family traditions is actually a sinister plot to de-emphasise our true All American sport of Baseball. Football has been gaining popularity for years now, and as it’s popularity increases the popularity of our national pastime, baseball, must needs decrease. This break from American tradition is part of the gradual undermining of our society planned by the communists to make the conversion of our innocent youth all the more easy. For detracting from the All American sport and National Pastime, football comes in at number TWO on our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.
1 A shocking and yet all too common plot comes in at number one. In years past, many have felt comfort in knowing that their children’s education could cost them little and still be solid. Yet as time has shown the quality of the education in public schools is becoming increasingly shabby, does not necessarily promote the American way of life and not only that but is socialised. This may be coming as a shock to you, or perhaps you have already seen this dangerous tool of the communists for what it is and pulled your children out of it’s clutches. If not we strongly encourage you to do so. A careful review of your children’s school may reveal the horrifying truth better than we alone could tell of. Do they say the Pledge of Allegiance every morning? Is there an American flag prominently displayed? What foods do they serve? Are pencils or pens the main writing instruments? Is football or baseball their school sport? Do their colors include red? Answer these questions carefully, and you may find that the most dangerous and prevalent threat to our society is the very school system we send our children to. For the infiltration of our country and slow but steady turning against our way of life, Public Schools come in as the number ONE threat in our Top Ten Communist Plots Against America.